I arrived at the hospital and went to A&E outpatients as directed. The wait to be called in felt like an age and as it has always felt/been throughout my stroke journey I was alone.
My name was called after possibly an hour of waiting and a young male doctor guided me into the consulting room. He explained that we needed to go over my medical history and that there were some questions they needed to ask. My emotions and mental state were not stable. I was internally thinking why the hell have I got to tell my story again when it is on the goddamn computer and paperwork in front of you, you lot fucked this up and now you’re scrambling to fix it. Of course I didn’t say this out loud, I shut myself down emotionally and recounted some of the most traumatic months of my life, again. Once satisfied with my history, the question was asked. Yep, they only had one question for me.
“Did you consume any cocaine prior to your stroke?”
“I’m sorry, what? You think I’ve been using cocaine!”
“You’re not in any trouble Miss Fisher, we are just trying to establish what triggered your stroke.”
“Well then, no I did not and have not done any coke.”
“You can tell us if you have, you’re not in trouble and we can assure you the police will not be contacted. We just want to help you.”
“I’m sorry, are you serious right now? I just said no.”
“But, Miss Fisher, strokes in young people are very uncommon. You have no prior health issues, that leads us to believe the stroke was triggered by recreational drug use.”
“The only drug I have ever touched is some weed, and I haven’t smoked that since April.”
“As I said already, you wont be in any trouble if you do admit to having used any class A drugs. We need to establish the truth so we can treat you correctly.”
“And as I have told you multiple times NO, I have never touched cocaine or any drug other than weed. Why am I being made to feel like some lying junkie because you guys missed my stroke!”
“OK Miss Fisher, you don’t need to cry it is ok. I’ll get your admission processed now.”
That asshole only cared about one thing, my supposed use of coke. For the record, that conversation was 100% true, I see no need to lie to health care practitioners that are just trying to assist you. I’ll also never forget that conversation. I was scared, alone and had been informed a couple of hours before that I was permanently brain damaged. Then this doctor comes in accusing me of being coked up and having a stroke as an answer for the 80 days the NHS had left me untreated.
So after Dr Dickhead had stopped grilling me and making me cry, my paperwork was processed, a hospital ID band was put around my wrist and a porter came to wheel me on a chair to Pirton Ward. I taken to a bay which had six beds, one empty and waiting for me in the middle on the right hand side. The porter left me to get settled and said a nurse would be along in a few minutes to speak to me. I sat on my bed and looked around the bay, I was the youngest by 30 years. The elderly lady directly opposite me was slumped back in her bed, her eyes seemed glazed over and her whole body was dropped to the right. I felt like an imposter, I was able to walk around and communicate with people, I shouldn’t be here.
The nurse came and explained as I was an afternoon admission no investigations or procedures would take place today. She further explained that the doctors did a round in the morning, after breakfast, and another mid afternoon. During these rounds they’d ask me how I was feeling and make plans of action for the day, I was told that there would be no rounds Saturday or Sunday but staff would still be here to care for me. I then asked the nurse if I’d be home by Saturday as it was going to be my 21st birthday on Sunday, and with everything that had happened to me in the last few months I wanted to be home. She chuckled and explained that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, if the doctors didn’t decide to discharge me on Friday afternoon (31st July) then I would be here over the weekend.
I was given a late lunch and left to get settled before the doctor’s afternoon round. I sat with the possibility that I may spend my 21st in hospital, surrounded by other stroke survivors who could barely walk and talk. I broke down and sobbed my heart out; this couldn’t seriously be happening to me. After I’d calmed myself down, I got myself comfy in my bed and started watching some Netflix. Some time passed and then I spotted the group of doctors making their way into the bay. They spent spent little time with the lady in bed 1 and then moved onto me, 3 doctors and 1 student doctor all stared down at me. I took my earphones out and feebly said Hi as they all turned to read my medical file that they’d got from the end of my bed. Once they’d finished their reading, the questions came again. I was quizzed on what happened, how did it feel, did I lose control of my limbs, could I speak normally and move normally now. I felt bombarded and confused, surely all this was in my file. I just wanted to shrink away and be left alone. Once satisfied with my answers they then discussed my case between themselves in low mutters I couldn’t make out. One doctor then told me that they’d see me in the morning with a plan for testing, and with that they moved on to bed 3.
Evening rolled around, and after dinner I again got settled for the night. A nurse came round with the evening medications, and I was given a pot with two pills in it. She explained the doctors had decided to put me on Atrovastatin and Clopidogrel due to my stroke. I took my pills, got Netlfix back open and zoned out. That was when a student approached my bed, I took my earphones out and asked if they were ok. He then explained that he’d heard the nurses at handover mention a 20 year old female who’d been admitted today due to a stroke, and he wanted to see for himself. He then asked me to explain from start to finish how I had ended up here and like a deer caught in the headlights, I obeyed. I was taken aback with how brazenly he’d approached me, I didn’t know how to say no I don’t want to keep reliving my stroke. I felt like some sideshow freak or animal at a zoo being gawked at. Everyone come gather round and look at this 20 year old who had a stroke, everyone come and listen to the medical anomaly so we can discuss her case and write about her in our assignments.
After the student left, I just sat in silence; I didn’t quite know how to feel. The woman in bed 3 then asked me if I was alright; honestly, I don’t know, I replied. You’ll get used to it, she said, my names Claire. Thank you, I’m Megan. We exchanged goodnights, and with that I rolled over, switched my light off and drifted into a horrific sleep. Nobody had mentioned that the nurses would wake me every 2 hours to take my blood pressure readings. By 2 a.m., I’d lost it and took all the wires and cuffs off me- big mistake; it set alarms off at the nurses’ station. As the nurse linked me back up and told me off, all I could think about was how quickly I could get myself out of there.
Leave a comment